UNAUTHORIZED
OWNER’S MANUAL
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UNAUTHORIZED
OWNER’S MANUAL
This manual is not intended to help you understand the operation
and maintenance of your motor vehicle. Rather, it is meant to
provide you with invaluable information that would, under normal
driving conditions, take most car owners months to discover for
themselves. Information that has been painstakingly gleaned from
many hours of vehicle operation.
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CONTENTS
THE BASICS
The Basics
Proper Use of Bumper
Stickers 15-16
Accelerator Wah-Wah Pedal 22-23
The Boot, the Bonnet &
Commander Cooper 4
Detailing 4
Essentials of Good Motoring Mojo
BEST PLACES TO STASH STUFF IN YOUR MINI
CUSTOMIZING YOUR MINI
Making Room for Romance
in your MINI
Jump Starts 26
Acknowledging Fellow
Motorers 26-27
Assigned Cabin Seating 4-5
Public Displays of Affection
(P.D.A.) 18
The Backseat:
Best Places to Stash Stuff
in your MINI
Sharing Your MINI 28
An Introduction 18
Troubleshooting
Coin Caddy 8
Toll Ticket Cranny 8
Glove/Ice Box
Cooling/Heating Feature 8-9
Strategic Golf Club
Placement 9
How to Fit a Bike 9
Secret Jogging Key Nook 10
Additional Storage Info 10
Making Out in Your MINI 18
Unisex Chivalry 18
Tips for Shameless Flirting
at Red Lights 18
Dating Tips for Married People 19
Unconventional Use of Headlamps
to Attract Attention 20
Rotating Your Shorts
in Public 30
Four Things You Should Never
do to Your MINI 31
MAKING ROOM FOR ROMANCE IN YOUR MINI
MAKING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC WITH YOUR MINI
ESSENTIALS OF GOOD MOTORING MOJO
TROUBLESHOOTING
Additional Reading 32
Making Beautiful Music
with your MINI
Customizing your MINI
Strumming on the Steering
Wheel 22
Tapping on the Roof 22
Playing the Tubular Door Bezel 22
Activating the Turn Signals 22
Switching on the
Motoring Accessories 12
Making Your Own Dashboard
Figurines 13
Air Fresheners 14
Cockpit Toggle Switch
Conversation Starters 15
Windshield Wipers 22
2
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3
THE BASICS
THE BASICS
The Boot, the Bonnet
& Commander Cooper
Count of Countless Checkered Flags.
Translation, mates: this MINI’s a real
go-er. Nudge, nudge. Wink, wink. Say
no more. Good show. Cheers.
well-motored life. Imagine it’s like tooling
around town in a Jackson Pollock original.
But every now and then, you may want
to start over with a clean canvas.
one is active while another is passive.
In a MINI, all are actively engaged in
the enjoyment of motoring. However,
there are a few specific responsibilities
by seat assignment:
With a British car comes some rather
foreign English terminology. The following
are a few terms you can now use to
impress your "mates": The "boot" is the
bit around the back. It’s where you stick
the cricket bats and the take-away fish-
n-chips. The "bonnet" is that brilliant
piece of sculpted sheet metal symmetry
covering the Cooper (S) bits. That’s
"Commander John Cooper" to you
cheeky Yank blokes— British Racing
Royalty’s Monarch of Modified
Detailing
Step 2. Always use a soft sponge and mild
biodegradable soap. Land and sea creatures
are our friends.
1. Pilot/Motorer (a.k.a. El Capitan,
Skipper, Mac Daddy). In charge of
mechanical functions and direct
operation of the motor vehicle. Period.
How to remove greasy prints, onlooker
drool spatters and road grime to restore
your MINI’s lustrous factory finish:
Assigned Cabin Seating
Step 1. Maintain proper perspective.
MINI owners do not irrationally obsess
about such things. Bug guts on the grille
and muddy fenders are signs of a healthy,
Technically speaking, everyone motors in
a MINI. The conventional nomenclature
of "driver" and "passenger" no longer
applies because it segregates, implying
2. Navigator (a.k.a. Co-Pilot, First Mate,
Little Buddy). Responsible for: 1) Navi-
gation. 2) Operation of MINI Magical
Motoring Ball (See fig. 12). 3) Fast food
drive-thru item checklist and Beverage
Stabilization (BevStab). (See Fig. 3). 4)
Interior hood release. 5) Also in charge of
stowing maps, souvenir snow globes,
and scouting for photo op. locations.
Transverse-Mounted Engines, Earl of
Acceleration, Duke of Hairpin Turns,
Fig. 3 Beverage Stabilization in Action.
Notice how the passenger tilts the cup
precisely seven degrees (above) compen-
sating for the centrifugal forces acting
upon the beverage as a result of your
MINI’s tight cornering performance (left).
3. Passengers (a.k.a. Crew, Backseat
Drivers). In a MINI, suggestions from the
peanut gallery are encouraged. Motoring
is a democratic act. Tyrannical control
may lead to mutiny on the highway.
4. Cabin Attendants (a.k.a. Passengers).
Responsible for in-flight meal and beverage
service. And implementing emergency
comedic procedures in event of sudden
loss of cabin levity.
Fig. 1 MINI Inkblot Test – Seeing bug splatters is
a healthy sign you’re discovering your MINI’s
true personality.
Fig. 2 Your MINI turns a car wash into a foam party! [Refer to Making Room for Romance Section]
4
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5
THE BASICS
THE BASICS
BEST PLACES TO STASH STUFF IN YOUR MINI
CUSTOMIZING YOUR MINI
MINIUSA.COM
MAKING ROOM FOR ROMANCE IN YOUR MINI
MAKING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC WITH YOUR MINI
ESSENTIALS OF GOOD MOTORING MOJO
TROUBLESHOOTING
Fig. 4 Instead of calling "shotgun", call "slingshot". It’s a David and Goliath thing. Your MINI may be small, but it packs a punch.
6
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7
BEST PLACES TO STASH STUFF IN YOUR MINI
BEST PLACES TO STASH STUFF IN YOUR MINI
First things first. This book fits snugly
inside the case provided for your factory-
authorized owner’s manual, and is
designed to be stowed away in the glove
box. Or conveniently left about on the
coffee table.
1. Coin Caddy
Technically engineered as the beverage
holder. Reinvented by resourceful you
as the handy loose change receptacle.
Fig. 6 Cooling/Heating Glove Box
Strategic golf club placement
CAUTION: When parking in low-lit
urban areas, cover all exposed coinage
with cup.
With both rear seats folded down, your
MINI can accommodate four golf bags
comfortably. Unfortunately, this leaves
no room to accommodate a foursome.
Recommended: with one rear seat folded
down, fit one to two bags lying angled
diagonally, and one to two golf buddies
seated vertically.
2. Toll Ticket Cranny
Your MINI’s dashboard console features
four vertical slits (two within driver’s
reach, two for co-pilot assistance) for
securing toll receipts and parking stubs.
How to fit a bike:
1. Adjust passenger’s side seat to furthest
forward non-reclining position.
2. Remove front wheel. Of BICYCLE!
3. Lay the bike on the side opposite the
rear derailleur rotating the handlebars
counterclockwise until they are
parallel with the cargo area floor.
4. Place front wheel in cargo area and
3. The Glove Box
Re-engineered by MINI designers.
Because no one really keeps gloves in
there anymore. Use it as a CD box. A
toolbox. Or turn up the air conditioning,
and it’s a refrigerated icebox.
4. Door Cubby
Accommodates:
Cooling/Heating Feature
Turns your MINI’s glove box into a mini
refrigerator for chilling contents to 50˚
Fahrenheit. For emergency roadside
candy bars and spare hero sandwiches.
Your MINI goes great with mayo. Or
activate the heater to warm contents
from soup to nuts. (See Fig. 6)
1 cell phone, PDA, or Travel Etch-a-Sketch,
depending on priorities.
•
3 pair sunglasses (optimists).
1 collapsible umbrella (pessimists).
•
•
Fig. 7 Use floor space as parking citation crumple zone.
close hatch.
8
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9
BEST PLACES TO STASH STUFF IN YOUR MINI
THE BASICS
Secret Jogging Key Nook
The undercarriage of your MINI features
a handy hideaway for stashing cumbersome
key sets when you take a break from
motoring for a jog, bike ride, or skinny-
dipping romp in the country. Place your
hand just forward of either rear wheel
near the rocker panel. Reach up and
under the wheel well. You’ll find a flat
4"X4" secret spot no one knows about
but you. And tens of thousands of
fellow U.S. MINI owners.
BEST PLACES TO STASH STUFF IN YOUR MINI
CUSTOMIZING YOUR MINI
NOTE: Always perform a quick 360˚
visual scan to make sure no one is
watching you. (Fig. 8 & 9)
MAKING ROOM FOR ROMANCE IN YOUR MINI
MAKING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC WITH YOUR MINI
ESSENTIALS OF GOOD MOTORING MOJO
TROUBLESHOOTING
Additional storage information
Pizza Capacity: The passenger’s side floor
accommodates four large pies stacked.
Fig. 8 & 9 The jogging key nook.
10
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11
CUSTOMIZING YOUR MINI
CUSTOMIZING YOUR MINI
Fig. 11 Making Your Own Dashboard Figurines:
The Icons of Good Motoring Mojo
Motoring Accessories
Swivel-hipped hula girls and bobbing
doggie heads are standard equipment in
many automobiles. But as a MINI owner,
you may want to consider a few accessory
options more suited to your motor vehicle’s
premium performance prowess.
Assembly:
1. Cut out body pattern.
2. Fold together at feet. Connect A and B.
3. Add the iconic head of your choice from your
favorite magazines, tabloids and books.
4. Secure to dash.
Fig. 10 The G-Force Chia Pet®: Tilt Chia Pet face down and grow as directed. Then display on dashboard facing
forward for realistic pulling-Gs windblown effect.
5. Motor. Ohmmmm.
12
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13
CUSTOMIZING YOUR MINI
CUSTOMIZING YOUR MINI
Air Fresheners. Nothing beats that new
car smell. But life happens. You suddenly
take up ferret breeding. Your MINI
becomes possessed by the spirit of a
recently-deceased skunk. You chauffeur
a couple of your alma mater’s lacrosse
team players who leave their sweaty
gear in your backseat. Eventually, you
may want to spruce things up:
Cockpit Toggle Switch
Conversation Starters
Refer to your factory-authorized MINI
owner’s manual to familiarize yourself
with the layout of all dashboard instru-
mentation. Then refer to the pre-printed
labels (included with this manual) for
your own personalized customization.
Proper Use of Bumper Stickers
Sprig of Pine. Forget the faux eau-de-
public-toilette imitations. The real
thing is sweeter, and it’s free. Or
substitute fresh rosemary from your
grocer’s produce section.
Recommended:
1. Motorer-related stickers function like
post cards to strangers from a life well-
lived: "This car climbed Mt. Washington",
"I got my kicks on Route 66", "Bat out of
Carlsbad Cavern". (Fig. 13)
2. Law School Alumni window decals
will make others think twice about
messing with you in a Constitutionally-
inappropriate manner. (Fig. 14)
Peel and eat a ripe tangerine. Toss rind
portion on floor area of vehicle. Park in
direct sun.
Fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies.
Recommended for first dates. Make
them yourself, or hit the bakery on the
way to her place. Don’t overdo it. It’s a
subliminal thing. You want her thinking
"nice homespun boy", not "Suzie
Homemaker". (FEMALE OWNERS:
Substitute fine cigars in glove box
"humidor" for cookies.)
Fig. 13
Fig. 12 MINI Magical Motoring Ball. The perfect complement to optional on-board
GPS navigation. "Should I supersize my onion rings?" "Signs point to yes."
Fig. 14 What it says: You’re a magna cum law-abider.
14
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15
CUSTOMIZING YOUR MINI
THE BASICS
Proper Use of Bumper Stickers
Below, the top three bumper sticker faux pas:
Discouraged:
Sometimes, though we have the best
intentions, comedy can backfire in our
faces like a cheap gag exploding cigar.
As a conscientious law-abiding motorer,
always ask yourself: "To whom am I
really talking here"?
BEST PLACES TO STASH STUFF IN YOUR MINI
CUSTOMIZING YOUR MINI
Fig. 15 Fill in the blank, go directly to jail.
MAKING ROOM FOR ROMANCE IN YOUR MINI
MAKING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC WITH YOUR MINI
ESSENTIALS OF GOOD MOTORING MOJO
TROUBLESHOOTING
Fig. 16 An all-time classic bad idea.
Fig. 17 Your friends will laugh. ‘Til it’s time to pay the bail.
16
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17
MAKING ROOM FOR ROMANCE IN YOUR MINI
MAKING ROOM FOR ROMANCE IN YOUR MINI
Public Displays of Affection (P.D.A.)
Dating tips for married people
Highly encouraged. You and your designated significant other
take your MINI out for a wash and buff on a bright sunny
Sunday for the whole world to see. “Yo, people, get a garage!”
Your MINI can be a great source of
escape from the ruts of everyday life.
1. Make a hot date. With your spouse.
Act like complete strangers.
The Backseat: An Introduction
2. Remove child seats (if applicable)
and 9-to-5 baggage.
3. Motor around block and pick her up
at "her place". (Or pick him up at "his
place" – owner gender and romantic
orientation may vary.)
Your MINI’s spacious backseat and rear cargo area means
there’s plenty of room to comfortably accommodate everything
you need to rev up the romance in any relationship – from
long-stem roses and heart-shaped helium balloons by the
dozen – to a 36” large-screen TV with both rear seats folded
down. (Degree of romance may vary with relationship mileage.)
4. Catch dinner and a movie. Or motor
to the nearest scenic overlook and
catch a sunset.
Making out in your MINI
The backseat. The front seat. Be spontaneous. Refer to factory-
authorized owner’s manual for window defogger operations.
Unisex chivalry
MINI Prenuptial Agreement:
Substituting birdseed for ceremonial rice
on wedding day may invite unwanted
aerial bombardment of your MINI’s
lustrous factory finish. But it’s the right
thing to do.
Who cares if men and women are from different planets?
Come down to Earth and open the dang door. It’s the polite
human thing to do.
Tip for shameless flirting at red lights
Substituting the words "olive juice" for "I love you" when
lip-synching your affections through the window achieves
the desired effect, and could potentially save you from messy
verbally-binding legal entanglements down the road.
Fig. 19 0-60 in 8.5 seconds flat. Leave the in-laws, the ex-boyfriends and the caterer at the
altar, and elope in your MINI.
Fig. 18 Holding hands while shifting lets you motor along in your relationship:
First gear. Second gear. Third gear. Nothing but green lights.
18
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19
MAKING ROOM FOR ROMANCE IN YOUR MINI
THE BASICS
Unconventional Use of Headlamps
to Attract Attention
Your MINI’s halogen lights are integrated
into the bonnet (hood). Subsequently,
raising the bonnet raises the headlamps.
A handy feature for attracting Luna moths,
playing Romeo & Juliet, illuminating
nighttime tailgate parties and locating
sexy neighbor’s treed kitty. (Fig. 21)
BEST PLACES TO STASH STUFF IN YOUR MINI
CUSTOMIZING YOUR MINI
IN EVENT OF BEING HOPELESSLY
STRANDED in the middle of nowhere, or
just hopelessly bored at home, rake the
night sky with your headlights using a
Hollywood premiere sweeping motion
and let the party (search or otherwise)
find you.
MAKING ROOM FOR ROMANCE IN YOUR MINI
MAKING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC WITH YOUR MINI
ESSENTIALS OF GOOD MOTORING MOJO
TROUBLESHOOTING
Fig. 20 The aphrodisiac effects of adrenaline
& tire cleaner.
Fig. 21
20
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21
MAKING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC WITH YOUR MINI
MAKING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC WITH YOUR MINI
2. Tapping on the roof adds additional
percussion, though care should be
taken that any rings on fingers do not
scratch your MINI’s distinctive black
or white roof factory finish.
3. Playing the tubular door bezel:
Syncopated banging upon the silver
door tube adds bass. Adjust levels
with a thump to the armrest.
The door bezel is your conga.
4. Activating the turn signals provides
a distinctive percussive cadence when
motoring around turns.
5. Switching on the windshield wipers
adds a rhythmic whoosh, whoosh,
whoosh to the mix.
o
o
4
o
o
Fig. 22
4
6. Accelerator/Wah-Wah Pedal. (Fig. 23)
o
Your MINI’s superior performance is
designed to fill you with a heightened
sense of exhilaration and an undeniable
urge to perform yourself. The following
are creative ways to play your MINI like
a finely-tuned instrument, and express
the song in your heart.
1. Strumming on the steering wheel
establishes the composition’s rhythm,
but should not be performed while
engaging in turns.
Fig. 23 1.6 liter 16V 115 Hp Cooper engine turns your MINI’s accelerator into a wah-wah pedal at red lights.
(163 Hp supercharged wah-wah pedal on S models.)
Fig. 24 The motorer’s horn section: Your MINI adds
accompaniment in the key of D.
NOTE: Your MINI’s horn is not a musical
plaything, and should be sounded only
when absolutely necessary in traffic
situations, i.e. greeting fellow MINI owners.
22
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23
MAKING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC WITH YOUR MINI
THE BASICS
BEST PLACES TO STASH STUFF IN YOUR MINI
CUSTOMIZING YOUR MINI
MAKING ROOM FOR ROMANCE IN YOUR MINI
MAKING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC WITH YOUR MINI
ESSENTIALS OF GOOD MOTORING MOJO
TROUBLESHOOTING
Fig. 25 MINI Performance Art. Oftentimes, the rhythm of the road can inspire sudden improvisational dances such
as the spontaneous “Red Light Fire Drill” shown above.
24
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25
ESSENTIALS OF GOOD MOTORING MOJO
ESSENTIALS OF GOOD MOTORING MOJO
Jump Starts
Index Finger Salute
Subtle. Sublime. "’Sup!"
Opting NOT to exchange electrical charges
with total strangers is up to the individual
motorer’s discretion. HOWEVER, random acts
of kindness do continue the flow of positive
energy. Which adds up to good motor mojo
for you.
Peace Sign
Though flower-powered Minis never lined the
interstates leading to Woodstock, N.Y., Minis did
enjoy a rather colorful bohemian past shuttling
shaggy-haired hipsters from Liverpool to
Amsterdam in the 60s. Then, as now, love is all
you need. That and petrol.
Acknowledging Fellow Motorers
'Sup!
Peace
Thumbs Up
Motorer's Honor
Dating back to MINI’s birth in the UK, there
exists a time-honored tradition of owners
greeting each other when they pass on the
streets. The moment you first sat in your MINI,
you became a member of the family. So, as is
customary, try and refrain from acts of shyness,
aloofness or woeful complacency. When you
pass another MINI, say, "Hey".
Thumbs Up
Appropriate when paying homage to Classic
Mini owners.
Motorer’s Oath of Honor
REPEAT: “On my honor, I do solemnly pledge
to be trustworthy, helpful, friendly, courteous,
kind, obedient, cheerful and brave.”
The Wave
Commoner Wave 1
Commoner Wave 2
Royal Wave 1
Royal Wave 2
Customarily, Mini-owning members of
Britain’s Royal Family always presented the
back of the hand, raised in a slow tight circular
motion when greeting subjects. You, living in a
democracy, may choose something a little less
upper-crusty when acknowledging throngs of
well-wishers along your parade route.
Fig. 26 Connect red to red. Black to ground. Stranger to stranger.
Tap-on-the-Roof
"Top of the Day". The motoring equivalent to
politely tipping your hat.
Roof Tap 1
Roof Tap 2
High Beams 1
High Beams 2
Winking the Lights
The motoring equivalent to batting your eyes.
26
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27
ESSENTIALS OF GOOD MOTORING MOJO
THE BASICS
Sharing your MINI
Use this simple diagnostic checklist to help you decide who is qualified to borrow your MINI in the likely event friends, relatives and
coworkers should all request to use it simultaneously. The one who answers every question correctly gets to motor on.
BEST PLACES TO STASH STUFF IN YOUR MINI
CUSTOMIZING YOUR MINI
(Photocopy and cut out for future use)
1. Finish the following: Sir Alec
2. Have you ever driven a six-speed manual Getrag shifter? (Cooper S Model Only)
Y
N
3. Other than 1964, in which year(s) did Mini officially win the Monte Carlo Rally? A) 1965 B) 1966 C) 1967
MAKING ROOM FOR ROMANCE IN YOUR MINI
MAKING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC WITH YOUR MINI
ESSENTIALS OF GOOD MOTORING MOJO
TROUBLESHOOTING
4. What famous celebrity Peter owned a Mini Cooper? A) Peter Piper B) Peter Parker C) Czar Peter the Great
D) Peter Rabbit E) Peter Sellers F) Peter Peter Pumpkin-Eater
5. What word best describes Rita the Meter Maid who drove a Mini Cooper for the Liverpool Police Department in the ‘60s?
A) Ugly
B) Bubbly
C) Lovely
D) Promiscuous
6. Which of the following is NOT a component safety feature of the MINI’s Braking System?
A) ABS B) EBD C) CBC D) EKG
7. How many fingers am I holding up behind my back?
e t i o n . o Y u r d i s G c r 7 E ) . K
e v l y o 6 . D
e t r e S e l l e r s . 5 . 4 C . ) E L ) P
e v r a m i n o r t e c h n i c a l i t d y i s q u a l i f i e d i n ’ 6 6 o Y 3 . ‘ 6 c 5 h & t 2 ’ r a 6 . i a 7 r I , P b N I u t
W E R A S N : S 1 . I s s i g o n i s — M
28
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TROUBLESHOOTING
TROUBLESHOOTING
Rotating your Shorts in Public
FOUR THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER DO TO YOUR MINI
Whether wiggling out of soggy swim
trunks at the beach, or slipping into
moisture-wicking bike shorts for a ride
in the country, follow these instructions
for taking it all off and putting it all
back on. And save yourself the lewd
& lascivious downtime.
1. Never leave your MINI unattended and unlocked with the
engine running and a giant sign on top reading, "Back in
ten—feel free to move car if in way."
2. Absolutely no Viking helmets. Not the football team, the
ancient Nordic conquerors. No matter how much the explorer
spirit of motoring gets in your blood, resist the urge. Pointy
Viking horns may cause damage to plush vehicle interior.
3. Never drive through flowing water. That’s called motor BOATING.
4. Never call your MINI by another car’s name.
CAUTION: Car doors should not be
used as privacy screens by those over 6’
tall. Because of your MINI’s lower center
of gravity, doors may be inadequate for
keeping your private bits out of other
people’s snooping noses. So to speak.
1. Wrap a beach towel around your waist.
2. Sit down inside vehicle and, reaching
under towel, use a shimmying motion
to remove what you’re wearing, taking
care not to loosen towel.
3. Repeat in reverse order, applying
clothes until dressed.
Fig. 28 Use discretion. And keep the catcalls, woos and whistles for your MINI.
30
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31
ADDITIONAL READING:
On the Road…Jack Kerouac
There’s No Toilet Paper on the Road Less Traveled The Best of Travel Humor…Lansky
Roadfood: 500 Diners, Farmland Buffets, Lobster Shacks, Pie Palaces
and Other All-American Eateries…Jane & Michael Stern
Fodor’s Flashmaps of NY, Washington, D.C., Chicago & San Francisco
Fodor’s How to Pack...Laurel Cardone
The Book of Motoring...MINI
BOOKS ON TAPE:
Road Rage Relaxation…Dean Montalbano
NOTE: MEDITATION TAPE ONLY. NOT FOR USE WHILE MOTORING.
32
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MINIUSA.COM
©2002 MINI, a division of BMW NA, LLC. BRO003-02
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